The bell rang, marking the end of the css.
Flynn yawned as he headed out on his own. Adam was still packing his things by his desk as he heard a group of guys chatting nearby.
“Man, that one was a pain, huh?” Gil remarked.
“Shut up, you’re just saying that because you didn’t bother studying.” Finn hit back at him, in a teasing tone.
Joe shook his head. “Nah, teacher totally has it out for us. I swear, they keep making them harder on purpose.”
Adam knew he’d be out of here and back in the dorm in a jiffy if he was quick about it. It was a tough one, but good to know it was also the st css of the day.
“It’s not like everyone sucked at it, right?” Finn continued
“Yo, Adam!” He then called out.
Adam turned, “What is it?”
“How’d you do on the test?”
Gil snickered and nudged his friend, “Dude, don’t just randomly ask him.”
“I did fine.” Adam smiled. “It’s okay, I always manage. Studying’s important, after all!”
“Yeah, that tracks.” Joe grinned, leaning down on his chair as he put his feet up at a nearby desk. “The little golden boy, always so perfect.”
Adam lightly chuckled, “I wouldn’t say that.”
“Seriously,” Gil suddenly stood up and before Adam could say anything, wrapped a big arm over his shoulder. “You should hang out with us sometime! Share us your secrets!”
Finn snickered, “Knock it off, Gil.”
“What?” He excimed, “They’re opening the carnival back up for the summer, you could totally do for some loosening up! Party on!”
The physical gesture left for an odd sensation. Some part of me felt flustered, but another also deeply uncomfortable. “I-I uh-”
“I bet we could even find some girls from Marie’s hanging out there. Some hot ones too!” Gil turned his head to grin at me. “Come on Adam, haven’t you ever thought about getting a girlfriend?”
Feeling even more uncomfortable by that comment, Adam lifted the hand off of him and backed away. “Sorry, but I’m too busy for that other stuff. I’d rather focus on keeping my grades up, a-and attending rehearsal and stuff.” He fshed a half-hearted smile, hoping not to offend them. It would be rude if he turned them down completely, after all.
Gil shrugged, “Your loss.”
“More for us,” Joe smirked, “Hell, I can get any girl I want anyway with some charm.”
“Yeah right, like that’ll ever happen.” Finn sarcastically remarked.
At this point, Adam had backed away enough to make himself scarce. “Well, hope you have fun anyway!” He told them.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, bye Adam.” Each of them greeted, and so he was off.
Even as Adam was in the hallway, a part of that conversation still stung for him. Why did it make him feel uncomfortable when guys tried talking to him? It’s not like that type of stuff was anything new, their attitude, the things they’d say about each other, and girls.
There was also that one suggestion. Getting a girlfriend, Adam? Sure he liked girls, but he wasn’t sure if…
Nah, scratch that, just the idea of approaching any girl like that made him feel creepy. Especially with how they talked about them. ‘Hot,’ and stuff. Most guys really were only focused on boobs and stuff, weren’t they? Weird.
“Hey, Adam, you-”
Suddenly Adam bumped into something tall.
He looked up, it was Sully.
The boy sighed, “You need to watch where you’re going.”
Adam awkwardly took a few steps back, “R-Right, sorry, I was lost in thought there.”
“It’s quite alright. Frankly it’s understandable, given the circumstances. So how did it go?” He asked.
“What?”
“The test, Adam. The one you just took.” Solomon expined. “I was curious how you’d done, given how st night fared.”
Somehow it had nearly slipped Adam’s mind. The moment he had id down his pen he’d wanted to stop thinking about it. He brought back up his usual smile, “Oh, it’s all okay. I-It turned out easier than expected.”
“Is that so?” Solomon responded. “That’s… good to hear, so would you say that you did well?”
“Oh, just fine.” Adam could feel his own smile beginning to fall.
“...Adam?”
Adam’s expression switched to a frown. He only felt worse lying like this, to his tutor of all people. He should know. “A-Actually, could we find a space to talk?”
“I… I failed.”
Solomon looked back at Adam, “I’m sorry?”
“I definitely failed.” He repeated. “I wasted your time yesterday, it didn’t end up any help. I’m sorry.” He grimaced, feeling so ashamed for just admitting this.
They’d found themselves a nice bench out on the school grounds to talk on, but there thankfully weren’t a lot of people around. It minimised some of the shame, at the very least.
“Are you certain?” Solomon asked. “Surely you didn’t do terribly, if you made sure to review everything.”
“I… I kept getting distracted yesterday.” Adam expined. “I didn’t actually study that much after you left. I just couldn’t focus…!”
Solomon sighed, thinking to himself. “It happens. So how bad exactly do you think you did?” He then asked.
“...” Adam practically zipped his mouth, not wanting to answer anything. But still, he muttered out a quick answer. “...Maybe a C?”
“Well, that’s not horrible, Adam.” Solomon assured. “If it’s a subject you struggle with, an occasional C is expected.”
Adam’s frown grew deeper. Those words didn’t help. “I mean it’s more like it’s a C at most… For all I know it’s gonna be even worse.”
“Was taking the test that challenging for you?”
“I mean, I felt like I had some questions, but I was so lost with everything else…” He expined. “I didn’t feel like I ever knew what I was doing, so it’s definitely gonna be a bad grade, I just know it.”
Adam wondered if he was being too pessimistic, but it was the truth. Even during the test itself, he found himself thinking back to everything that had happened yesterday. Culminating with… that kid discovering him outside. The same one he’d fixated on back in the diner. Remembering that night was making himself well up in embarrassment on the spot! A part of him wished he could just throw up and somehow erase all the queasiness from his stomach.
And now he had to expin to Sully, after he’s been going out of his way to help tutor him, that he’d done badly on the test he was supposed to study for. It sucked.
At least the weather was nice. Blue skies, sun shining down. It’d be a good day if Adam’s very existence wasn’t constantly weighing him down.
He forced on a smile, “But look, I’ll… probably pick myself back up? I just need to get my head together, really. You shouldn’t worry. It’s just gonna be this one time thing, I swear.”
But Solomon just furrowed his brows, looking over at the nearby ground as the silence lingered for some moments. Finally, he spoke. “Adam, I’m very sorry if this is personal, but… would this happen to be reted to… the things you talked about yesterday? Before I arrived?”
Adam felt himself flush. Sully just admitted it. “...H-How much did you overhear?”
He sighed. “More than I was meant to, I assume. But I thought it worth asking, if it really is something troubling you.”
“...” Adam’s frown deepened. He wasn’t sure if he could answer. It was something that shouldn’t interfere with him trying to live his life, dragging it out to more people was something he especially wasn’t supposed to do.
Solomon responded to his silence with a shrug, “You don’t have to talk about it. It’s just… my concern, as your tutor. If there is anything I can do to help, I will try my best. I know I might seem cold, but I do mean well.”
Slowly, Adam breathed in, and looked Solomon right in the eye.“...Do you promise not to talk to anyone about this?”
“Of course.”
“Not even any teachers? My grandpa? Not a single soul?” He needed Sully to understand how serious he felt about this.
Solomon blinked, momentarily paused before giving his answer. “...You have my word.”
Adam sighed. He took a few more seconds to think, to wonder what the right words here would be. “Do you ever… get this feeling, where you almost wish you could be somebody else?”
The tutor pursed his lips, taking a quick second to think. “Yes, I have.”
Adam’s eyes instantly perked up at him. “You do?”
“Well, I mean, not to point out the obvious, but I am bck. I’ve been aware of racial prejudices from a young age, how they affect me and my opportunities in life, in so many different ways. There have certainly been points when I was younger that I envied other kids.”
Adam’s face fell right back down. Of course, it’d be something like that. He hadn’t even considered that type of angle.
“But in that case, there are still plenty of things I could do, especially if I work hard for them.” Solomon continued, before looking back at Adam. “Though I suppose you’re not thinking about race, are you?”
Adam shook his head. “No, though I guess I kinda get what you mean…” Whether it’s sex, race, or some other part of genetics, it’s not something you can really change, is there? “It’s just hard getting out of my mind all of a sudden, that…”
“...” Solomon waited for him to continue. “Go on.”
“...That I’d just rather have been a girl.” His heart paced as he uttered those words. Adam knew Sully had already heard some of this, but it still felt too shameful, like it was a crime, to actually admit it.
“...” The tutor looked away, cupping his chin with his hand as he thought about those words.
“I guess that’s just kinda the problem. It keeps sticking in my mind, even though I know it’s pointless. Like, that stuff won’t ever change. I think I just need to figure out a way to move past it.” Adam sighed. “Just how do I stop feeling and thinking about this?”
Eventually, Solomon turned his head back to face the boy, and y a hand on his shoulder. “Adam, would you like to know what my mother would always say?”
“What?”
He wagged a finger, closing his eyes as he reminisced the wording. “‘The seaweed is always greener, in somebody else’s ke.’”
Adam frowned. “Like… ‘The grass is greener?’”
He pointed back, “Yes, exactly! I believe the metaphors are essentially the same. The point I am making is…” He paused. “If you’re always thinking about how your life could have been different, well, you’d be focusing on the wrong things.”
Solomon stood up, extending an arm towards the school building. “Just look at what you have already, right here. You’re attending a private school, something most don’t experience.”
Adam’s fairly certain that part came because his family had connections, but he supposed that point stood. It was something.
Solomon continued. “Even if you’re not totally satisfied with your birth circumstances, or you’re currently struggling with some parts of your academics, you’re still very fortunate. You have plenty of things you could do with your life already.”
Adam frowned, leaning his head down to cup his cheeks with both hands. Was that true? Should he just count the lucky things he did have?
“Besides, if you ask me personally,” Solomon id a hand on his chest, “If we’re talking about boys and girls, if anything we’re the more fortunate sex. The beauty standards, the rampant misogyny still well and alive in the modern day. Girls have it rough.”
“I dunno, I think I’d still like being a girl if I wasn’t pretty…” Adam thought to himself. Plus, not like he didn’t already feel weird around most guys, recalling the earlier conversation in the cssroom.
Solomon paused again to think for a moment, before coming up with something to answer with. “Well, but for your specific problem, maybe a solution would be to find something else to think about?”
Adam looked back at him, “What do you mean?”
“Goals, dreams.” He waved a hand on the air. “Job prospects, your future adulthood. When you were younger, did you have any idea of what you would want to be when you grew up?”
Adam opened his mouth to answer, but nothing came out. He’d never really thought about it. “I… I don’t think I do.”
“Well, maybe that’s part of the issue. Perhaps it’s time to think of something, then. To shift your focus.” Solomon continued. “To find something to strive towards, the type of person you’d like to be one day.”
Adam spent a couple seconds thinking about it, and frowned. He struggled to conjure any good image in his head. “I dunno… Do you have that figured out already?”
“I do. At least, I have a goal.” He expined. “If possible, I’d like to enter politics. Help make the changes I want to see in the world, fight for the discriminated and the disadvantaged.”
Adam’s eyes widened, “Wow, I didn’t expect that, for some reason.” It felt like such a noble idea too, wanting to do it to help people.
And then there was him, probably not even scraping by today’s test and wallowing at his own incompetence. He sucked too much to do something like that.
“But of course, achieving that goal will depend on my own actions. I want to make it to a fine university, and then get an early start with local organizing. It’ll be a long road, but I believe I can do it if I truly set my mind to it.”
Adam thought further. “That’s really intimidating though. Definitely not for me.”
“Naturally,” Solomon nodded. “But my point is that maybe we need to find you a goal for yourself, a future you’d like to envision.”
“Easier said than done,” Adam sighed. “Maybe it’s better to focus on school stuff, instead of worrying about this. I mean, it’s the future anyway, right?”
“Adam,” Solomon met his eyes. “As I said to you yesterday, what’s most important is putting your priorities in order. You said yourself that you think your issues are affecting your ability to study. I’d say that means this warrants more attention.”
“I guess…”
Solomon cupped his chin again, looking around at the courtyard. “Aha!” He excimed, gesturing for Adam to stand up. “Come on, stand up, I have an idea.”
Adam did as asked, curiously turning his head to his tutor. “What?”
“Let’s ask some other students,” He gestured ahead in response, before walking over to a trio of boys ahead. Adam recognized them as Mack, Archie and Ray.
“Wait, what?” Adam followed behind, “They don’t have to have anything to do with this, wouldn’t we just be bothering them?”
“Nonsense,” Solomon replied, “We’re surrounded by peers in a learning environment specifically to help grow and learn from them. Maybe they could inspire you.”
Adam still felt unsure, but Solomon had already approached the boys by this point. “Good afternoon! I hope we’re not bothering you.”
The boys were talking amongst themselves before that point. Adam half expected them to shrug the more uptight uppercssman off, but they seemed to quickly brighten up as they gestured to Adam specifically. “Ayyyy Adam! The guyyyy!” Mack began.
“The guyyyyy!” Archie echoed.
“The little guyyyy!” Ray then said.
It was like they were speaking in a foreign nguage. Adam wasn’t even that small, was he?
“Um, hey.” He lightly waved in response.
The boys all seemed to lightly nod. “The guy…” Archie even repeated.
Solomon mimicked a cough. “Well good to know you’re at least acquainted…”
Adam didn’t feel like they were.
“...But in that case I can make things simpler and more straightforward.” Solomon continued. “Adam and I were just talking about future careers and dreams, and we were wondering what our schoolmates might have been thinking for their own goals.”
Adam did not feel like he’d cosigned that ‘we,’ but he nervously nodded in agreement anyway.
“What, like jobs and stuff?” Archie asked, scratching the back of his head. “You know, not really something I’ve thought about a lot…”
Adam almost sighed a breath of relief. He knew that at least he wasn’t completely alone in that…
“But, you know!” Archie cpped his hands, “If I had to pick something, I wanna get serious with basketball!”
Wait, what?
“J-Just like that?” Adam asked. That felt awfully quick. “It’d be pretty tough to get into sports, wouldn’t it?”
Archie shrugged, “It’d be fun even if I wouldn’t be any Michael Jordan. I just like pying the game, so doing it as a job would be the dream.”
Adam considered his answer. Just doing it for fun? He’d thought career goals would be more serious than that…
“What about you guys?” Archie then asked his friends.
Mack seemed like he’d already been thinking about his answer. “DJ! Definitely!”
“Ooh, good one! I can see it!” Archie responded. “That’s the type of shit you see on a poster, ‘DJ Mack!”’
“DJ MACK!” Mack yelled back out, before turning his head to face the third in the group. “What about you, Ray?”
Ray had a loose grin as he made a point to scratch his chin in thought, “Gee, I dunno… If we’re talking about what we most wanna do when we grow up, without anyone judging us…”
“Uh-huh?” Archie nodded.
“...I’d personally love to get to FUCK YOUR MOM DUDE OHHHHH!!!”
“OHHHH!!!” Both Mack and Archie leapt back, holding their hands over their mouths and gesturing at their friend.
“Holy shit you got it!” Archie procimed.
“AND HE STIIIIINGS!” Mack yelled out.
“WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT!” Ray ughed.
Solomon blinked in confusion, “I’m sorry, what?”
“It’s just his thing.” Adam answered. “He stings.”
“What?”
“He stings, motherfucker!” Mack answered.
Archie shook his head. “Nah dude, Ray’s the motherfucker here!”
“DUUUUUDE!” Ray reacted as he ughed back.
“I am very lost.” Solomon said, looking back at Adam, to which he just shrugged.
“I think we should just leave…” Adam suggested.
The three boys were still hooting and hollering amongst themselves as Adam left with his tutor. They experienced a solid minute of silence as they kept walking through the main building, Adam thinking about that conversation the whole way.
“...I just don’t get them.” Adam finally said.
“Humor is natural.” Solomon responded. “Some humor just doesn’t transte to everybody.”
“No, I mean… how easy they just decided.” Adam crified. “It sounded like they didn’t even have any idea before you asked, like I did, but they still came up with some idea like it was nothing.”
“That’s natural. Especially considering they were fixating on very straightforward and popur goals.” Solomon expined. “Professional sports is difficult to get into, and DJing is a field that I’m fairly sure requires building up popurity.”
“So they’re shooting too far?” Adam asked.
Solomon shrugged. “They won’t know until they try. Some may likely call those types of goals shallow, but they’re being true to themselves. They want to do what they enjoy most, exploring pre-existing passions.”
Adam took a few seconds to think some more, “But I don’t have one of those.”
“Hm?”
“I don’t have like, a hobby or a big interest in something.” He expined. “I’ve just always floated around… Not really thinking about that type of stuff…” The more he wondered, he had to ask himself if he could even really count as a person. At least not in the same way so many other people were. Mack and Archie seemed to navigate things easier, for some reason.
“Then how about we focus our attention on that?” Solomon proposed. “If you don’t have a passion to draw inspiration from, maybe find one by joining a club or-”
Adam interrupted, shaking his head. “Grandpa already tried that. Any clubs or ‘extracurricur activities’ or whatever just don’t sound right. I never like any of them when I look it all over. All except-”
It was at that exact moment that they passed the cssroom they used for choir rehearsal, and Adam stopped. The door was wide open. It wasn’t set up quite right, he was pretty sure there was some band rehearsal or something happening there today instead. But it reminded him of it.
Solomon stopped a few steps ahead, looking curiously towards Adam’s gaze. “...You say that, but you did join something at the end of the day.”
Adam tried to dismiss his words as he walked into the room, “I felt like I had to pick something. It was just the one I preferred the most.”
“But that is something then.” Solomon responded, following behind. “Even if you’ve skipped sometimes.”
“...Honestly even then, it’s not like I skipped because I hated it.” Adam expined. “I just felt like I had everything down. I love singing, but rehearsal itself just feels boring sometimes.”
“Repeat that.” Solomon quickly replied.
“What?” Adam turned back to look at him.
“Repeat what you just said.” He instructed.
“I love singing, but rehearsal feels boring sometimes?”
“You love singing.” Solomon pointed out. He gingerly sat on top of one of the desks. “Would that not be a passion?”
Adam shrugged, “I mean sure? I guess?” It was one of those absent things. He certainly sang to himself quite often when he was alone.
“But that’s not exactly a dream or something you can pursue, right?” Adam continued. “It’s just a thing I like doing.”
“Adam, anything can be a pursuable dream or career goal. Have you seen what the internet has been like for the past two decades?” Solomon argued. “And it wouldn’t even just be something like that. If you like singing you can just try… well, becoming a singer.”
Adam grimaced.
“Have you truly never thought about it?” Solomon continued. “Get involved in the music industry. Become some type of performer, whether it be in a band or a solo act. This isn’t just an idle interest either Adam, you’re good at singing. I as well as all the other choirboys have heard it for ourselves. Mr. Squib was having a panic attack when we realized you’d missed the performance st week!”
It… It really hadn’t. Adam hadn’t considered something like that as a thing to pursue as a goal before. “But that’s still crazy. It’s hard to get popur or make money as any type of artist, right?”
“Adam, any type of artist struggles with those questions. It wouldn’t be unusual for you to ask yourself these things. It wouldn’t even have to be a full-time career. It could be a passion you explore in your free time as you hope to grow. And like I said about the other boys, it doesn’t matter if it’s unrealistic, you wouldn’t know how you’d do until you tried it.”
“I-I dunno…” Adam knew Sully was right in a lot of ways. He liked singing, one could argue it as something to explore as a passion, and a career in something like that was possible even if improbable.
But… performing? Putting himself on dispy like that? Throwing his own voice out there? It wasn’t long now until it might change either, become more like a man’s… Would he want to sing with a deeper voice than he already had?
“Maybe I’m still being intrusive, but I think you should consider whether you-”
“Just stop it.” Adam interrupted. “This is pointless.”
“Adam?”
Adam started walking away. “Even that just sounds stupid. So… wrong. This whole thing you were trying to do was pointless.” There wasn’t anything he could imagine worth doing. He had no goal, no purpose. He really was a complete nothing. This only confirmed it.
“Hold on, wait-” Solomon stood back up.
“I’m sorry for wasting your time like always,” Adam interrupted again. “I’ll see you at our next tutoring session.”
Adam left into the hallway, and he didn’t hear Sully follow.
He didn’t know where he was going, just somewhere. Away from it all. A part of that world? Yeah right, he couldn’t be a part of anything even if he tried.
But still... some part of him wanted to go back to his room ter. Maybe give it another go trying on that skirt... It was stupid, it wouldn't be any different from st time. But the draw was still there. Despite everything, it hadn't gone away...
...What did that mean?