Chapter Five: Carefree and Untroubled

  Maybe dying once can make some people realize something they didn't before, and Gu Qingjin was one of them at this moment. She also thanked her own awakening, so she decided to take the time to go to the temple in Beijing to worship and thank the Buddha, thank the great compassionate Guanyin, and thank all the gods for giving her this lucky chance.

  If it weren't for this rebirth, she wouldn't have known that living could be so good. Gu Qingyu used to be so foolish, foolish to the point of self-immolation for a man.

  It is not because I don't know the true face of Lushan Mountain, but just because I am in this mountain!

  Love is a tormenting game, when people are in love, they suffer and despair for one person, unable to extricate themselves, even seeking life but not getting it, seeking death but not letting go. You hurt, you suffer, the most painful thing is being entangled with that person, he doesn't understand, he doesn't care. It's as if you and him are people from two different worlds, just passing by each other. His indifference, his coldness, yet you still can't see through it, can't bear to part with it, can't let go, drawing a prison for yourself, trapping yourself tightly in that sky and earth, repeatedly, tormenting yourself in that already non-existent emotion, binding yourself until the candle burns out or...

  This is perhaps what Mr. Lu Xun said: if one does not explode in silence, then one will die in silence.

  Qing Jin did not think that she would end her own life in such a desperate and tragic way.

  She attributed this to the most resolute side hidden in women's nature. Hasn't someone said that maybe every woman is a moth to flame at heart?

  So, even if she were to relive it, she would still choose to marry Long Han Yan. She didn't care about her family or obey her parents, but after marrying him, she discovered that he wasn't as good to her as she had imagined. Thinking back to what she said to Long Han Yan before her death, Gu Qing Jin couldn't help but sneer coldly in her heart - how could she have been so stupid!

  Now thinking about it, between her and Long Han Yuan, she was always the one taking the initiative, making an effort. Even before marriage, she boldly expressed her feelings to him, disregarding societal norms. She had once been arrogant enough to think that Long Han Yuan must have never met a woman as bold as her, and maybe he would fall in love with her because of her unique affection for him. What a ridiculous idea?

  In this feudal society where women were required to observe the three obediences and four virtues, her behavior was a serious breach of feudal etiquette, even amounting to unchastity. Moreover, she had secretly met with a prince. Fortunately, when she later married Long Han, she would recall past events with pride, unaware that she had unknowingly danced on the tip of the God of Death's tongue.

  Her behavior at that time should be shameless! Ridiculous she was once proud.

  As for her and Long Hanshan eventually going their separate ways, she had always thought it was because she was busy fighting with his queen and neglected him, causing them to drift apart. But in fact, they had never been close from the very beginning.

  Thinking of this, I wonder if it was really her fault that her mother was abandoned and her father was later stripped of his title? She should have died, but she came back to life, is she going to...

  No, she didn't. In her past life, because she had memories of it, she never felt a strong sense of belonging to her family or relatives. Later on, she also felt that her mother, Jun Shi, favored sons over daughters, and in the case of her and her brother, she often showed more concern for him. Furthermore, due to the conflict with her family and her mother over her engagement to Long Han Yuan, she completely excluded them from her heart. At that time, all she knew was that a married-out daughter would bring honor to her natal family, but she didn't expect that even a married-out daughter would need support from her natal family.

  The family and parents she once abandoned, after marrying Long Hanyuan, she slowly understood the importance of her natal family to married women in this generation after suffering hardships. However, it was too late, as her selfishness and self-righteousness had already led to her mother, Junshi, being divorced. Looking back now, she realized that her father and mother, Junshi, were indeed implicated by her actions!

  When she said sorry to Yuanyang before the bath fire, she was actually still unwilling to admit in her heart that her father's deprivation of his title was due to her involvement. However, after being reborn again and now looking at things from an outsider's perspective, she had to admit that her father was indeed implicated because of her.

  The emperor had already subtly hinted that he wanted to make her the official consort of the Sixth Prince, although no imperial decree had been issued yet. The imperial family and the Anji Marquis's household should have already communicated with each other by now.

  However, she couldn't see clearly at that time and insisted on marrying Long Han Yuan. She even made a shameless public declaration of love before marriage. After the incident, she must have left a very bad impression in the emperor's heart. She couldn't see the bigger picture and unintentionally planted a malicious seed in the emperor's heart. The emperor couldn't vent his anger on his son's concubine, Gu Qing Jin, so he turned his anger towards her father instead. After her father failed to complete the task assigned by the emperor, the emperor seized the opportunity to strip him of his title in a fit of rage. In the decree stripping him of his title, the emperor severely criticized him for not teaching his daughter well and being unfit for office. The emperor then transferred her father's title to her third uncle.

  What is it that a superior dislikes the most? Of course, it's something beyond his expectations and the chess pieces in his hands not moving according to his wishes. What about an emperor who holds the power of life and death? The Emperor must be extremely disgusted with her!

  But she and Long Han Yuan walked halfway down the road, only to suddenly discover that she was left with a vague face and an irreversible path.

  This desperate journey with no way out gradually became an unspoken, deep-seated wound in the face of Long Hanyang's day-to-day indifference, and this wound finally began to bleed and shatter when Long Hanyang blurted out that name.

  She was shocked beyond measure, her old illness recurred, just because this marriage with him was something she had used tricks to get, snatched from someone else's hands, yet she had truly loved and still loved.

  When she heard him call out that name at the most intimate moment with her, not only was Gu Qingjian's pride as a woman brutally trampled, but it also declared the failure of her love, which had disregarded family and disobeyed her parents. In that instant, everything was lost.

  She lost love, she lost life, betrayed all the love she had gained. She retreated step by step, carefully maintaining that last little bit of luxury, in that name, it fell to the ground and shattered into dust, leaving no trace. The pride deep in her bones made her unable to bear the negation and substitution of Long Han's coldness.

  What's most important is that deep down, she still has a kind of pride, a pride that comes from being a modern woman: if I can't be the mole on your forehead, then I'll never be the grain of rice by your mouth!

  So even if she were given another chance, she would still go to her death with a smile!